Golf Handicaps: Drama, Identity and Deceit

If you have a handicap, and you probably do if you are listening to this podcast, you have a story about it.

That story is either hurting or helping your game.

In this episode, I talk about the story or drama you have about your current handicap and the identity you have around your future/goal handicap.

Getting your mind around the number (handicap) is key for you playing your best golf. 

And, I also talk about those deceitful handicaps and what it means to have a vanity handicap or padded handicap. If that is you or if you play with this people on the regular, you want to listen in.

If you want more help with your golf thoughts, go to KathyHartWood.com and sign up for a free call or join the Above Par Academy.

Receive free weekly mental golf tips HERE

How many shots is your mental golf costing you?
Take the quiz here: quiz.mymentalcaddy.com

Continue your mental journey at Your Mental Caddy HERE

Mastering Your Golf Brain - A Guide to Self-Coaching

Mastering Your Golf Brain - The Workbook

Mental Golf Journal - A Range for Your Brain

Are all available at KathyHartWood.com/book

Email Kathy at Kathy@KathyHartWood.com

Website: KathyHartWood.com

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Above Par. I'm your host, Kathy Hartwood. I show you how to take more of your talent to the golf course without practicing harder, taking more lessons, or buying new equipment. I show you how to end the frustration of underperforming so you can start playing to your potential. This is where you are going to learn how to think above par so you can play below par. Let's get to it. Hello, my golf friends. Welcome back to Above Par. Hope you're having an amazing week. I'm in Orlando for the PGA show, which is basically a convention of anybody and everybody who's in the golf industry if they're looking to find new equipment, see what's hot in 2023 this year, or do a lot of buying and purchasing for their clubs. They are here checking it out. Golf pros, sales reps, people in the industry. You can find it all here. This town. This is where Orlando gets swarmed by there's a sea of khakis and blue blazers. Let's put it that way. The official uniform of golf pros. Lots of golf pros in town. So anyway, I am here. I'm speaking tomorrow for a little segment at the show and recording this podcast for you all. And I want to talk about handicaps, handicap identity, handicap drama as you get ready for your season coming up. I hear a lot of conversations about this. So I want to talk about it from a couple different angles. I want to talk about your thoughts about your handicap right now, where you are. I want to talk about where you want to go with your handicap. And then I want to talk about false handicaps, illegitimate handicaps. You know, those people, hopefully it's not you, where their handicapped doesn't necessarily represent their level of play. Okay, so this is the first thing that I want to start with is that your handicap is a number that is neutral. Okay, and what I mean when I say it's neutral, it is neither good nor bad. It is just a fact. It's like stating your weight. It's like stating your age. It is a number and it is neutral until you create a story about it with the thoughts in your head. Now, this is really important to note the story that you tell yourself in your head because it dictates how you feel about your handicap or your weight or your age. So you can transfer it over to that if that's an issue for you. So let's start with your handicap being low or you thinking it's too low. So we put the number out there, let's say it's a seven. Okay, I'm just making up numbers, whatever it is, make it relevant for you. It's too low in your head. My handicap, what you're saying to yourself is too low. The dialogue you're gonna create is that I can't play to that handicap. Or I have to play really well to play to the seven. If you have that story about your handicap, that is going to put a lot of pressure on your round. Especially if you're playing in a tournament or you're playing with other people, you're playing in a little match. If you have that running around in the background, you're gonna put a lot of pressure on your game to perform. It's gonna kind of like you're backhanding your golf game. You're like, come on, we need to perform today. We need to play to that seven. All the stars have to align for me to play to this handicap because it's too low. I'm not that good. Now, of course, I'm assuming this is a legitimate handicap. You're putting in the scores, you're a seven. If your story about your handicap is that it's too low, you're going to put pressure on your golf game, and the chances of you being able to maintain that handicap or play to that seven when you're wanting to play to that seven are not very great. Right? You're not gonna enjoy the day, and you're going to get in the way of your talent coming out for the day. So listen to the dialogue. Now, are you saying that my handicap is too high? So you put the number out there, let's say it's a 17. Is the story in your head that sucks? This is embarrassing. People are gonna think I I stink, nobody's gonna want to play with me, I'm not good enough. Right? So your handicap is neutral, and then you create a story about it in your head, and that creates a feeling for you when you go out and play.

unknown 4:08

Right?

SPEAKER_00 4:09

So you're gonna have a little shame while you're out there playing. You might apologize for your handicap. Like, sorry, I'm a 17. You might not think that you're good enough to play with a certain level golfer. That's another thought we can have. I can't be a 17 playing with the seven. I'm not good enough. They're better than I am. What is the story that you tell yourself about your handicap? Is it too low? Is it too high? Do you tell yourself you should be better than this? Do you shame yourself and say I've put in so much work and my handicap isn't coming down? It's not coming down fast enough. That's also going to put pressure on your golf game. So pay attention to the story that you tell yourself about the number, because the number is neutral. And depending on what that story is, it's going to influence how you show up and how you perform. Okay, so the second part I want to talk about is where you want to go with your handicap. So for most people, they're trying to lower their handicap. Maybe you're not. Depends on what your objectives are when you're playing golf. Maybe you like exactly where your handicap is because you get into certain tournaments. You might be at the higher end, so it's an advantage. It gives you a little wiggle room. But for the most part, people are trying to lower their handicap, always wanting their handicap to get a little bit lower. If that is you, if that is an objective this year, I want you to picture the number in your head of where you want your handicap to be and then listen to the story. Right? So let's say you're a 17 and you're in your head would love to be a 13. Now listen to the story that your brain creates. It may sound like that's gonna take a lot of work. I don't know that I can get there. I don't know that I can maintain it. My game isn't good enough. I don't have enough time to create a 13 handicap. I'm not blank enough to create a 13 handicap. What is the story that your brain is creating when you think about the handicap that you want to have this year? Now, this is the important thing. If you don't step into the identity and believe that you can be a player who can play to that handicap that you want to have, you are not going to be able to play there. And the way that we often work as humans is we wait to see the evidence that we can play to that level and then we can start believing. But it is no different than if someone lost 200 pounds and became this really smaller version of themselves. They weighed 300 pounds and they weigh 100 pounds, right? I'm doing something just very exaggerated. And at 100 pounds, they still picture themselves as a person who's 300 pounds. They will put the weight back on. This happens with lottery winners. They win the lottery, they have all this money, maybe they were not used to having a lot of money, or their brain can't get around the concept of how to have the capacity for money. So they piss away the money, they spend all the money, they give it away, they do all crazy things, and they get back to their comfort level in their head of the income or the money status that they think they deserve. A lot of professional athletes do this too. Right? So when you think about your handicap and you go to that place, your brain is going to spit out a lot of conversation for you, and that is your work. Shifting those thoughts and starting to step into the person who is that handicap is your work while you're working on your game to get there. We had this conversation in the Above Par Academy where a woman was talking about her handicap as being just down maybe one shot, maybe from a 13 to a 12. One shot. And I asked her what her thoughts were about being a 12, and she said, I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can maintain it. I don't think I'm that good. So interesting. I just want you to know that is a totally neutral number. But if we do not believe that we can play to that handicap, there's no way we're gonna play to that handicap. The minute you get to a 12, you're gonna have a lot of anxiety out there playing, and your scores are gonna start creeping back up. The other thing that's very common is when you feel like you have to maintain a handicap. So this is common if you have a league that you're playing in or you have a qualifier and the cutoff is a certain number, a handicap, and you're right at the bubble. You might be a shot above it or a couple shots below it. So you're trying to maintain a handicap. So you go out and play, and the conversation then is I can't have a bad round. I don't have enough time to afford a bad round. I can't screw up today, right? Is that you? You want to listen to the story that you tell yourself because that's gonna put so much pressure on your round of golf. And the chances of you going out there and screwing up when you're telling yourself don't screw up are immense. Right? Sorry, but they're immense. The other thing though, let's talk about false handicaps. So often people get really ticked off at other people, right? We create stories around them when they have a false handicap, an illegitimate handicap. They may have a handicap that's too low, a vanity handicap, or they might have one that's too high. I don't get mad at these people. I look at them because I can see their thoughts about it. And I'm gonna share them with you just so that you can look at it from a different angle. Doesn't mean it's right. We're never acknowledging that people cheating on their handicap is or condoning it in any way. And if this is you, if you fudge your handicap a little bit, I just want you to hear me out on this. So if we have a vanity handicap, that means that the number is low. It is lower than you can play to. So you might have a five and you're really like a nine or a ten. Now, that's totally different from the person who thinks it's too low. That conversation that they're having in their head is I can't play to this. The person who's playing to a five handicap as a vanity handicap needs the handicap to try and influence what other people think about them so that they can feel good about themselves. Right? It's like you're a size eight and you're trying to shove yourself into a size four. Right? Just so that you can feel good about yourself. Or you can tell people I wear a four. Or like the guys who are trying to, like, yeah, I'm a 32 waist, but they got a big belly hanging over the top of it. Like, are you like really? Yeah, I'm a 32. Right? We're denying the reality of what's actually going on. We're lying to ourselves in those moments. Having a vanny handicap is not much different than that. We want to control the narrative in other people's heads, or we're denying the truth to ourselves about how we really play so that we don't feel bad. Right? We might want the attention from that low handicap. So it comes from actually an insecurity. Now, a handicap that's too high to win tournaments, to win matches, the reason someone would do that, and I don't condone it, is that they're thinking I need to win so that also I can control the narrative. Maybe I get to have people talk about me and say how great of a golfer I am, but I get to avoid shame and disappointment from losing. It's one of those things that it becomes worth cheating. It's the worst of two evils. I'd rather cheat and fudge my handicap a little bit so that I can avoid feeling the shame or the disappointment of failing or losing. Same thing. We're looking for outside validation to make us feel good about ourselves. We're looking for a trophy, even if we don't get it the honest way, so that I get to sit there and avoid the other dialogue that I might have, which is I'm not good enough. So when I look at people and I look at their handicaps and they have a vanity handicap or their handicap is too high, I do actually have a lot of empathy for them because I know the thoughts that are going on in their head. And if this is you, I just want you to re-listen to this podcast all over again, or at least that segment. So this is the truth about handicaps, is they are like your weight. They are going to fluctuate and go up and down. You can't maintain the same exact handicap every single day. That's not the way the system works. I mean, you could. I mean, the chances of you shooting the same exact number every single day on the same golf course are not too great. So it is going to go up and down. You want to ride that wave. Very hard to control your handicap on purpose. And if you could do that, if you could control your score that much, why wouldn't you do it all the time? So listen to the conversation you're having about the neutral number of your handicap. Especially if you're coming into the season and you're on that cusp of tournaments and you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself so it doesn't go up and down. Take your pressure off of you. Understand the handicap is going to go up and down. Hopefully the cutoff happens at the right moment for you, but you putting pressure on yourself relative to a number or maintaining a number or judging the number is not going to serve you or your golf game. So that was about where you are right now. Whether you're handicapped in your head, the story is that it's too low or it's too high. Are you shaming yourself about it? Are you freaking yourself out that you can't maintain it? And where do you want to go with your handicap? If you want it to go lower, start stepping into that identity and that person right now as you're working on your handicap. And listen to the dialogue in your head. Listen to the story you create about the new number or the new handicap that you want to have. Because if you're saying it's too hard or it's something that you can't do, chances are it's not going to get done. And then if you're that person with that false handicap, I just want you to re-listen to that part of the podcast. If you played to a legitimate handicap, what would the story in your head be? What would you say to yourself? What is the dialogue? Because the emotions that you would feel from that handicap are what you're trying to avoid with your vanity handicap or your handicap that's too high. All right, my friends? This is some of the stuff that we talk about in the above par academy. I'd love to have you join us there. You can go to KathyHartwood.com and find out more information. Or if you want a little help one-on-one, make sure you reach out to me. Same website, kathyheartwood.com. All right. Have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you next Wednesday.