Setting Boundaries On the Golf Course

Setting and taking care of your personal boundaries on the golf course is critical for your success and ability to stay focused.

It is about what you are willing to tolerate and where you speak up for yourself. It could be golf etiquette, rules, values, or personal nuances like chewing gum, talking, playing music.

In this podcast, I define what a boundary is and the two main reason we avoid making them.

I also share more details about two types of boundaries - personal and golf.

It is important to establish the difference  before your round and to make sure you have your own back with whatever you choose.

KathyHartWood.com

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Above Par. I'm your host, Kathy Hartwood. I show you how to take more of your talent to the golf course without practicing harder, taking more lessons, or buying new equipment. I show you how to end the frustration of underperforming so you can start playing to your potential. This is where you are going to learn how to think above par so you can play below par. Let's get to it. Well, hello my golf friends. Welcome back to Above Par. So nice to have you here and listening. I truly appreciate it. I appreciate all the notes and you check it in. I know I say that all the time, but I really do. I'm so glad that you're listening and finding value out of what I'm sharing with you here. So today I want to talk to you about boundaries on the golf course. I feel like this is a topic that comes up a lot. And I want to define them in two separate categories. So a boundary is basically your rules for yourself while you're out there playing golf, the things that you will tolerate and not tolerate in a kind way. I'll describe how to go about setting boundaries for yourself. But sometimes we can mix them up on making demands or having to accept certain things on the golf course or giving people ultimatums. And we end up distracting ourselves from what we're doing out on the golf course. We question a lot of times whether you should say something to somebody about what they're doing on the golf course or you shouldn't. And I want to divide it into two categories to help you get really clear on the boundaries that you want to have for yourself and also the ones that are totally acceptable for you to speak up and say something about. And before we go there, there really are two main reasons on why you won't speak up about a boundary for yourself on the golf course. One is that you don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation with somebody. You're not willing to speak up and have your own back. You don't want to have a confrontation, you want to avoid confrontations, and you do so at your own expense. We end up saying things like, I'd rather suck it up versus having an uncomfortable conversation or upsetting this person or creating an awkward moment. And then the other reason is that we're worried about what other people will think about us. So let's go through these two sets of boundaries. One is golf-related, it's about your values or ethics or etiquette about the game of golf. And I think things that are very standard and appropriate for you to ask for. It might be just playing the rules properly. You might speak up when you see someone not playing the rule the right way or the correct way. The reason that we do that, by the way, is to protect the rest of the field. It is not to go and uh cause harm to that other person. I think it's worth definitely speaking up if this person is going to have an unfair advantage and therefore it impacts the rest of the field. That's really the way it's designed. It's not designed for you to call out a rule on somebody just to be mean about the rules. Whole new podcast coming on that one. I can promise you about that. You know, for instance, if someone thinks they cross the water way further ahead than they actually cross the water, they cross the water closer to the T-box and they're taking a drop way up even with where the ball was actually in the water, that's a big advantage, and that might be worth something that you'd want to call out. Someone dropping their ball three inches closer to the hole when they're still 250 yards out. I don't know. You get to decide on that. Keeping score properly. I can't tell you how many people tolerate cheating or not wanting to confront somebody who said they had a six when they had a seven or a four when they had a five. Standing in someone's line or their sight line so that they see you. This sometimes doesn't bother people, but for other people it doesn't. That's totally within the etiquette of golf to ask someone to move in that situation. Moving while you're hitting, do you ask someone to stop moving? Or do you tolerate it and let them move? Playing on a turn might be something that you care about, maybe something that you don't care about. We try and play ready golf often. So for the most part, a lot of people are pretty good with that. But if you're playing in a match, maybe it matters a little bit more. Walking ahead. Often players will walk ahead even when someone's hitting from behind. Does that bother you? Flag in or flag out? This has turned into a huge thing. I think the USJ put in that rule to help pace a play. It definitely did not help pace a play. But are you a person who really wants the flag in and you don't want to ask for someone to put the flag back in after it's been pulled, or vice versa? Do you want it out, but you don't want to ask for somebody to pull it out? I mean, technically this could turn into something that was someone's like, in for me, out for that person. We're gonna be putting the flag back and in, if really actually everybody spoke up on what they preferred. Marking the ball on the green. Some people are like, oh, I don't care. Your ball doesn't bother me. Other people, it bothers them. Mark your ball. And I want a nice clean green surface there. No balls in my line. Is that you? Do you ask people to mark their ball when they should? Or move their ball marker? That's another one. How about honors on the tea box? This was a huge one for me because I played most of my golf with men and we were playing different tea boxes. And since mine were usually up, they played back tees. I was usually playing the white tees. So as we drove up to the T-box, we'd run into the black tees first. And so everybody would hit or the back tees. And then I would go up and hit. But a lot of times I had honors. Like I birded the hole. They didn't. And I wanted my honors. Eventually I was sucking it up so much it was bothering me. It was preoccupying my mind. I didn't feel like my birdie was getting recognized or the correct honor on that T box. So I started calling out. I said, I'm going to drive up and tee off. I'm up. Right? Do you do that if you're playing mixed sets of teas? Now you get to decide on what matters here. Not all of this is going to matter to you. I'm not saying it should matter to you. Like a lot of players will be like, I don't care. You can talk, you can move, you can do jumping jacks, leave your ball in the green, walk wherever you want. It doesn't bother me. Other people are sticklers, right? It bothers them. But I would suggest you decide what you're willing to put up with and where you draw the line, where you're going to speak up for yourself. And all of those are definitely within your right to speak up. Because most of them have something to do with golf etiquette. Now, there could be some personal boundaries. That's the second set of boundaries. Those are things that just bother you that someone else is doing in your group. They're not necessarily breaking any golf etiquette rule. It's just your own personal values or boundaries have been crossed. That would include talking too much. They might not be talking while you're hitting, but they're talking too much for you in between shots. Conversations that you don't want to talk about. Politics, religion. Hit all the big three. When I grew up, I was warned by my dad there's three things you don't talk about at the country club. Because my dad was a golf pro, so the things you don't talk about politics, religion, and abortion. Boy, that hasn't changed much, has it? Right? So are there conversations that you just aren't willing to talk about on the golf course or you don't want to listen to on the golf course? Chewing gum. I've had this one brought up to me before. I guess I was cracking my gum a lot on the golf course, and someone made a comment that it was bothering them. Playing music while you're playing. So interesting to me. That's such a new thing. Like probably within the last five years or so. And it is amazing how many people play music and they get in to a group and they assume that everybody likes their taste in music. Which I think is so interesting. I don't know if this is you, but I do think it's courteous to ask if do you mind if I'm playing music? And do you like the music that I'm playing? So playing music, eating, drinking, smoking, smoking cigars, uh, talking on the phone. There there may be more. That's a short list because we all get bothered by different things. Are any of those circumstances where you draw the line that you're not willing to tolerate while you're out there playing golf? So the way to know when it's time to set up a boundary, if it's preoccupying your mind and distracting you from focusing on your game. If you're thinking about, I wish they wouldn't do X, Y, and Z, and you're not focused on your game, it's a distraction. And this is the tricky part. If you're worried about speaking up and having your own back and upsetting somebody, is that then going to be more on your mind? Right. So for instance, if you go up and you say, I really would like you to move, you're in my line, is it gonna bother you more that you said something or more that you don't say something? This is where it's really valuable for you to know exactly what your boundaries are before you go out and play. Because the more you're saying, This is my boundary here, I just, this is what I like. I'm gonna have my own back. I'm okay with it. I'm good with it. I have no problem asking people to not stand in my line, to not talk while I'm hitting, to not move while I'm hitting, to mark their ball, to let me have the tea when it's my turn to have the tea. I have no problem with that. Then there's a sense of peace in asking people, it's okay. If they're upset, that's their problem. Yeah. You've done nothing wrong, particularly if it's in the golf etiquette realm. So when it comes to personal boundaries, like the things that bother you personally, most of the time it is your thought about what is happening or what is going on that is actually causing you the pain and the discomfort, not the thing that is happening, not the thing that that person is doing. Unless, of course, your health is involved. Smoking, that's a totally different thing. I would think for the most part today, most people are very conscientious about that. But when we nitpick somebody for chewing gum or talking too much, which it's just like four words could be too much for some people. When it annoys us that they're eating or they're drinking while they're playing golf, those are our thoughts about it. That's our opportunity to manage our mind. We're asking people to change so that we can manage our own mind better. If only they stopped chewing gum, I would be able to concentrate and focus. If they didn't talk so much, it would be so much easier for me to manage my mind. It's rarely the talking or the chewing gum or the talking on the phone that is causing the problems. It's the thoughts in our head about them that is causing us the discomfort. It's the conversations that say they shouldn't do that. And if they didn't do that, I would be so much happier. So we're asking people to change who they are and what they're doing so that we can have more peace and calm on the golf course. I encourage you to manage your mind around those situations, taking it as an opportunity to grow your mental muscle on redirecting your brain versus asking someone to be different than who they are. So, two sets of boundaries. One is decide ahead of time, especially golf related, what you like, what your preferences are, and what you're willing to speak up for for your own game and your own peace of mind on the golf course. And be willing to have your own back and ask for what's important to you while you're out there playing. And then personal boundaries, as long as they're not affecting your health, take it as an opportunity for you to question why is it actually bothering me? And how can I manage my mind around that? And if it's something that's totally intolerable, your first step is always to remove yourself from that situation. Go walk on the other side of the fairway, get out of the golf cart. Don't stand next to that person when it's when you're on the green or the tea box. Because when we're worried about having uncomfortable conversations or creating confrontation, one of the quickest ways to do that is to ask somebody to change being who they are. Right? It's like, uh, I need you not to talk so much. I want you to change being who you are. And I expect them to go, oh sure, I'll do that. Not a problem. Or could you imagine when all those tour players are out there chewing the gum to ask them, hey, you know, it bothers me that you're chewing gum. I know you're leading the US Open right now, but it kind of bugs me.

unknown 12:15

Right?

SPEAKER_00 12:15

We're asking about it to stop what they're doing. That might be their way of venting out and helping them manage their own mind too. I gotta tell you a funny story. My first professional tournament, mini tour, it was at I think a club called Jupiter West. It was my first tournament as a golf pro. First hole. I'm playing with this woman from Georgia who I played college golf with, so I knew who she was. And we have golf carts because we didn't have enough money for caddies. It wasn't that big of a deal. We weren't playing for that much money. But my first tournament, we had we're sharing a golf cart. Her name was Kathy, too. So Kathy's driving. I'm in the passenger seat. I go and hit my second shot. And I realize I have like a junior golf club stuck down in the bottom of my bag. So I have one extra club in my bag. So I want to do the rules properly. So we pull out the rule book. I don't know if I can't hit my next shot or if I have to wait to the next hole. I just don't want to make the mistake. It's my first hole, my first professional tournament, and I have an extra club in my bag. It's like, what is going on? Kathy takes my rule book. At the same time, she's chewing red man. This is a little distracting. I'm just saying. Like, she's chewing like a big old wad in her mouth. I was like, what's happening? I don't get around that very often. So that was a little distracting. So she's chewing her tobacco and she takes my rule book and she goes, she means to go to the side and spit. Spit in the grass, but she pulls the rule book with her in front of her face and she spits into the middle of my rule book on the page that has the rule on what I need to do with this little junior club that's in the bottom of my bag. I was like, oh, why did I turn pro? What is going on? My point to tell you the story is that it's kind of a funny story, but I also, it's like not my place to ask her to not chew tobacco. She's chewing tobacco because it's clearly helping her relax. And it's clearly not the first time she's chewed tobacco playing golf, but it was definitely distracting to me. It was my opportunity to manage my mind around that and my extra club and my two shot penalty that I had on the next hole, versus asking her, please don't chew tobacco. Stop doing what you want to do to help you get through this round. Stop being you so that I don't have to manage my thoughts about it. You probably, you probably won't run into that one. But anyway, okay, so you have a grasp of that. Define your boundaries before you go out and play what you're real willing to put up with. Be really aware of why you're not speaking up and asking for what's important to you. And notice if you're asking someone to change who they are, just so you can manage your mind a little bit better. And if you do ask someone to do that, then you are likely going to have some confrontation and some pushback because nobody likes someone to tell them to be different than who they are. Stop doing what you're doing so that I can be happy. No one wants to hear that. All right, my friend, you set up your boundaries for you and your own peace of mind so that you can focus on your golf game and play your best golf. All right. I'm sure I missed a lot of things. So make sure you send me a note and tell me some things that you're not willing to tolerate on the golf course. I'd love to hear about them. All right, my friends, have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you next Wednesday.